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MINDBLOWING THOUGHT PROCESS!!!

 A young and pretty lady posted this on a popular forum:

Title: What should I do to marry a rich guy?

I'm going to be honest of what I'm going to say here. I'm 25 this year. I'm very pretty, have style and good taste. I wish to marry a guy with $500k annual salary or above. You might say that I'm greedy, but an annual salary of $1M is considered only as middle class in New York. My requirement is not high. Is there anyone in this forum who has an income of $500k annual salary? Are you all married?

I wanted to ask:

what should I do to marry rich persons like you? Among those I've dated, the richest is $250k annual income, and it seems that this is my upper limit. If someone is going to move into high cost residential area on the west of New York CityGarden(?), $250k annual income is not enough.

I'm here humbly to ask a few questions:

1. Where do most rich bachelors hang out? (Please list down the names and addresses of bars, restaurant, gym)
2. Which age group should I target?
3. Why most wives of the riches is only average-looking? I've met a few girls  who doesn't have looks and are not interesting, but they are able to marry  rich guys.
4. How do you decide who can be your wife, and who can only be your girlfriend? My target now is to get married)

Ms. Pretty

 

Awesome reply:

Dear Ms. Pretty,

I have read your post with great interest. Guess there are lots of girls out there who have similar questions like yours.

Please allow me to analyse your situation as a professional investor. My annual income is more than $500k, which meets your requirement, so I hope everyone believes that I'm not wasting time here.

From the standpoint of a business person, it is a bad decision to marry you. The answer is very simple, so let me explain. Put the details aside, what you're trying to do is an exchange of "beauty" and "money": Person A provides beauty, and Person B pays for it, fair and square.

However, there's a deadly problem here, your beauty will fade, but my money will not be gone without any good reason. The fact is, my income might increase from year to year, but you can't be prettier year after year. Hence from the viewpoint of economics, I am an appreciation asset, and you are a depreciation asset. It's not just normal depreciation, but exponential depreciation. If that is your only asset, your value will be much worried 10 years later. By the terms we use in Wall Street, every trading has a position, dating with you is also a "trading position". If the trade value dropped we will sell it and it is not a good idea to keep it for long term - same goes with the marriage that you wanted. It might be cruel to say this, but in order to make a wiser decision any assets with great depreciation value will be sold or "leased".

Anyone with over $500k annual income is not a fool; we would only date you, but will not marry you. I would advice that you forget looking for any clues to marry a rich guy. And by the way, you could make yourself to become a rich person with $500k annual income. This has better chance than finding a rich fool.

Hope this reply helps. If you are interested in "leasing" services, do contact me...

signed,

J.P. Morgan

Contributed by: Sierra
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Why are men just like carpet?

Once you lay 'em right you can walk all over 'em.

Contributed by: Tyson
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In a trans-Atlantic flight, a plane passes through a severe storm. The turbulence is awful, and things go from bad to worse when one wing is struck by lightning. One woman in particular loses it. Screaming, she stands up in the front of the plane. "I'm too young to die!" she wails.

Then she yells, "Well, if I'm going to die, I want my last minutes on Earth to be memorable! I've had plenty of sex in my life, but no one has ever made me really feel like a woman! Well, I've had it! Is there ANYONE on this plane who can make me feel like a WOMAN??"

For a moment there is silence. Everyone has forgotten their own peril, and they all stare, riveted, at the desperate woman in the front of the plane.

Then, a man stands up in the rear of the plane. "I can make you feel like a woman," he says. He's gorgeous. Tall, built, with flowing black hair and jet black eyes, he starts to walk slowly up the aisle, unbuttoning his shirt one button at a time.


No one moves.

The woman is breathing heavily in anticipation as the stranger approaches. He removes his shirt. Muscles ripple across his chest as he reaches her, and extends the arm holding his shirt to the trembling woman, and whispers: "Iron this."

Contributed by: Sunshine
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Men concluded that computers should be referred to in the feminine gender because:

1. No one but the Creator understands their internal logic.

2. The native language they use to communicate with other computers is incomprehensible to everyone else.

3. Even your smallest mistakes are stored in long-term memory for retrieval.

4. As soon as you make a commitment to one, you find yourself spending half your paycheck on accessories for it.

Contributed by: Sunshine
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Women claim that computers should be referred to in the masculine gender because:

1. In order to get their attention, you have to turn them on.

2. They have a lot of data, but are still clueless.

3. They are supposed to help you solve problems, but half the time they are the problem.

4. As soon as you commit to one, you realize that, if you had waited a little longer you could have had a better model.

Contributed by: sephora
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"Yes" = No

"No" = Yes

"Maybe" = No

"I'm sorry" = You'll be sorry

"We need" = I want

"It's your decision" = The correct decision should be obvious by now

"Sure... go ahead" = I don't want you to

"I'm not upset" = Of course I'm upset, you moron!

"We need to talk" = I need to complain

"You're certainly attentive tonight" = Is sex all you ever think about?

"Be romantic, turn out the lights" = I have flabby thighs

"This kitchen is so inconvenient" = I want a new house

"I want new curtains" = and carpeting, and furniture, and wallpaper...

"I heard a noise" = I noticed you were almost asleep

"Do you love me?" = I'm going to ask for something expensive

"How much do you love me?" = I did something today you're really not going to like

"I'll be ready in a minute" = Kick off your shoes and find a good game on T.V.

"Is my butt fat?" = Lie to me

"You have to learn to communicate" = Just agree with me

"Are you listening to me!?" = [Too late, you're dead]

"Do what you want." = You'll pay for this later

Contributed by: Belumni
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You don't have to put cream in your coffee to make it taste good.

Coffee doesn't complain when you put whipped cream in it.

A cup of coffee looks good in the morning.

You won't fall asleep after a cup of coffee.

You can always warm coffee up.

Coffee comes with endless refills.

Coffee is cheaper.

You won't get arrested for ordering coffee at 3 AM.

Coffee never runs out.

Coffee is out of your system by tomorrow morning.

You can make coffee as sweet as you want.

You can smoke while drinking coffee.

You can put out a cigarette in a cup of coffee.

Coffee smells and tastes good.

You don't have to put vinegar in your coffee.

If your coffee pot leaks, you can use a regular paper towel.

You can always get fresh coffee.

You can turn the pot on, leave the room, and it'll be hot when you get back.

They sell coffee at police stations.

You can always ditch a bad cup of coffee.

Coffee goes down easier.

If you put chocolate in your coffee, it doesn't put on weight.

No matter how ugly you are, you can always get a cup of coffee.

Contributed by: Belumni
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A big cup or small cup? It doesn't matter.

Your coffee doesn't talk to you.

Coffee smells good in the morning.

Coffee is good when it's cold too.

Coffee stains are easier to remove.

Coffee doesn't care when you dunk things in it.

Coffee doesn't care what kind of mood you're in.

Coffee doesn't shed.

Coffee is ready in 15 minutes or less.

You can't get a cup of coffee pregnant by putting cream in it.

Coffee doesn't mind being ground.

No matter how bad coffee is, you can always make it better.

Coffee doesn't have a time of the month... it's good all the time.

When coffee gets old, you can throw it away.

When you have a coffee, you don't end up with a pube in the back of your throat.

Coffee doesn't take up half your bed.

Coffee doesn't mind if you wake up at 3 AM and decide to have a cup.

INSTANT COFFEE!

You can have an intelligent conversation with coffee.

It can take up to 2 weeks for coffee to grow mold.

Your coffee won't be jealous of a larger cup.

 

Contributed by: Max
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Something other than smiley faces.... :)

(o)(o) perfect breasts

( + )( + ) fake silicone breasts

(*)(*) high nipple breasts

(@)(@) big nipple breasts

o o a cups

{ O }{ O } d cups

(oYo) wonder bra breasts

( ^ )( ^ ) cold breasts

(o)(O) lopsided breasts

(Q)(O) pierced breasts

(p)(p) breasts with tassled pasties

o/o/ Grandma's breasts

( - )( - ) flat against the shower door breasts

|oo| android breasts

 

Contributed by: Zeebo
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The Husband Store

A brand new store has just opened in New York City that sells Husbands.
When women go to choose a husband, they have to follow the instructions at the entrance:

You may visit this store ONLY ONCE! There are 6 floors and the value of
the products increase as you ascend the flights. You may choose any item
from a particular floor, or may choose to go up to the next floor, but you
CANNOT go back down except to exit the building.

So, a woman goes to the Husband Store to find a husband.
The 1st floor sign on the door reads:
Floor 1: These men have jobs.
The 2nd floor sign reads:
Floor 2: These men have Jobs and Love Kids.
The 3rd floor sign reads:
Floor 3: These men have Jobs, Love Kids and are extremely good looking.
"Wow," she thinks, but feels compelled to keep going.
She goes to the 4th floor and the sign reads:
Floor 4: These men Have Jobs, Love Kids, are Drop-dead Good Looking and help with Housework.
"Oh, mercy me!" she exclaims, "I can hardly stand it!"
Still, she goes to the 5th floor and sign reads:
Floor 5: These men Have Jobs, Love Kids, are Drop-dead Gorgeous, help with Housework and Have a Strong Romantic Streak.

She is so tempted to stay, but she goes to the 6th floor and the sign reads:
Floor 6: You are visitor 31,456,012 to this floor.
There are no men on this floor.
This floor exists solely as proof that women are impossible to please.
Thank you for shopping at the Husband Store.

To avoid gender bias charges, the store's owner opens a New Wives store just across the street.
The 1st first floor has wives that love sex.
The 2nd floor has wives that love sex and have money.
The 3rd,4th, 5th and 6th floors have never been visited.

Contributed by: Zeebo
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When you are dating..... Just looking at him makes you feel all "mushy."

When you are married ....When you look at him, you want to claw his eyes out.

When you are dating..... He knows what the "hamper" is.

When you are married ....The floor will suffice as a dirty clothes storage area.

When you are dating..... He understands if you "Aren't in the mood."

When you are married ....He says "It's your job."

When you are dating..... He understands that you have "male" friends.

When you are married ....He thinks they are all out to steal you away.

When you are dating..... He likes to "discuss" things.

When you are married ....He develops a "blank" stare.

When you are dating..... He calls you by name.

When you are married ....He calls you "Hey" and refers to you when speaking to others as "She."

Contributed by: Zeebo
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When you are dating..... Farting is never an issue.

When you are married ....You make sure there's nothing flammable near your husband at all times.

When you are dating..... He takes you out to have a good time.

When you are married ....He brings home a 6 pack, and says "What are you going to drink?"

When you are dating..... He holds your hand in public.

When you are married ....He flicks your ear in public.

When you are dating..... A Single bed for 2 isn't THAT bad.

When you are married ....A King size bed feels like an army cot.

When you are dating..... You are turned on at the sight of him naked.

When you are married ....You think to yourself "Was he ALWAYS this hairy????"

When you are dating..... You enjoyed foreplay.

When you are married ....You tell him "If we have sex, will you leave me alone???"

When you are dating..... He hugs you, when he walks by you for no reason.

When you are married ....He grabs your boob any chance he gets.

When you are dating..... You picture the two of you together, growing old together.

When you are married ....You wonder who will die first.

Contributed by: Zeebo
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There were three guys talking in the pub. Two of them are talking about the amount of control they have over their wives, while the third remains quiet.

After a while, one of the first two turns to the third and says, "Well, what about you? What sort of control do you have over your wife?" The third fellow says, "I'll tell you. Just the other night, my wife came to me on her hands and knees."

The first two guys were amazed.

"What happened then?" they asked.

"She said, 'Get out from under the bed and fight like a man!'"

Contributed by: Lmao
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Q. Did you hear about the new magazine for married men published by Playboy?

A. It has the same pictures month after month after month after month after month....

Contributed by: Lmao
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Three guys are convicted of a very serious crime, and they're all sentenced to twenty years in solitary confinement.

They're each allowed one thing to bring into the cell with them. The first guy asks for a big stack of books. The second guy asks for his wife. And the third guy asks for two hundred cartons of cigarettes.

At the end of the twenty years, they open up the first guy's cell. He comes out and says, "I studied so hard. I'm so bright now, I could be a lawyer. It was terrific."

They open up the second guy's door. He comes out with his wife, and they've got five new kids. He says. "It was the greatest thing of my life. My wife and I have never been so close. I have a beautiful new family. I love it."

They open up the third guy's door, and he's slapping at his pockets, going "Anybody got a match?"

Contributed by: Lmao
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How are men like computers?

They don't work until they're turned on.

Contributed by: Lmao
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A regular guy and Tyra Banks are the only survivors of a shipwreck. They somehow find themselves on a deserted island. At first, Tyra wants nothing to do with the very average guy, but after a while they become friends, then lovers.

One day the guy asks Tyra to dress in his clothes and meet him on the other side of the island. Tyra is taken aback by the request, but eventually decides there is no harm in it and agrees. She waits for him on the beach, and he soon arrives. He runs up to her, breathless and excited.

"You'll never believe who I have been screwing!"

Contributed by: Christyl
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Mike was barely sitting down in the bathroom when he heard a voice from the other stall saying:

"Hi, how are you?"

Mike is not the type to start a conversation in the restroom but he don't know what got into him, so he answered, some what embarrassed,

"Doin' just fine!"

And the other person says: "So what are you up to?"

What kind of question is that?
At that point, Mike is thinking this is too bizarre so he say:

"Uhhh, I'm like you, just traveling!"

At this point Mike is just trying to get out as fast as he can when he hear another question.

"Can I come over?"

OK, this question is just too weird for him but he figured he could just be polite and end the conversation. Therefore he tell them ,

"No........I'm a little busy right now!!!"

Then he hear the person say nervously...

"Listen, I'll have to call you back.

There's an idiot in the

Contributed by: Soh
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A wife asked her husband:
"What do you like most in me - my pretty face or my sexy body?"

He looked at her from head to toe and replied:
"I like your sense of humor."

Contributed by: Ice
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If Only Aunt Agony were Uncle Agony

Q: My husband goes straight to sleep after making love -- we have no time to talk.

A: Sex is an extremely difficult task for a man. Afterwards he needs rest. In fact, the more he loves you, the more hard work his love-making is, and the more rest he needs. Stop putting pressure on him. Buy him a nice, expensive present, and cook him a nice meal.

Q: My husband doesn't know where my clitoris is.

A: Your clitoris is of no concern to your husband. If you must mess with it, do it in your own time. To ease your selfish guilt, buy your man a nice expensive present, and cook him a delicious meal.

Q: My husband's efforts at lovemaking only last 30 seconds.

A: Your husband loves you very much. He is so turned on by you that he cannot control himself. In fact, the shorter the 'effort' the more he loves you. Return this love by buying a nice, expensive present, and cooking him a nice meal.

Q: My husband is uninterested in foreplay.

A: Foreplay to a man is very hurtful. What it means is that you do not love your man as much as you should -- he has to work too hard to get you in the mood. Abandon all wishes in this area, and make it up to him by buying a nice expensive present, and cooking a nice meal.

Q: My husband has never given me an orgasm.

A: The female orgasm is a myth. It is fostered by militant, man-hating feminists and is a danger to the family unit. Don't mention it again and show your love to him by buying a nice expensive present...and don't forget to cook him a delicious meal.

Contributed by: Ice
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Q: My fiancee still has feelings for his old girlfriends. I'm afraid he will not be faithful.

A: A man's capacity to love is boundless. It has been proven to increase with the number of sexual partners. Thus, by having a few other women, your partner is really increasing his love for you. Best thing to do is to buy him a nice, expensive present, and cook him a nice meal and don't mention this aspect of his behavior.

Q: My husband has too many nights out with the boys.

A: This is perfectly natural behavior -- and it should be encouraged. Man is a hunter and needs to prove his prowess with other men. Far from being pleasurable, a night out with the boys is a stressful affair, and to get back to you is a relief for your partner. Just look back at how emotional and happy the man is when he returns to his stable home. Best thing to do is to buy him a nice, expensive present, and cook him a nice meal and don't mention this aspect of his behavior.

Q: My husband wants to experience a threesome with me and my sister.

A: Your husband is clearly devoted to you. He cannot get enough of you, so he goes for the next best thing - your sister. Far from being an issue, this will bring all of the family together. Why not get some cousins involved? If you are still apprehensive, then let him go with your relatives, buy him a nice, expensive present, and cook him a nice meal and don't mention this aspect of his behavior.

Q: My husband continually asks me to perform oral sex on him.

A: Do it. Sperm is not only great-tasting, but has only 10 calories a spoonful. It is nutritious, helps you keep your figure, and gives a great glow to the skin. Interestingly, a man knows this. His offer to you to perform oral sex with him is totally selfless. Oral sex is extremely painful for a man. This shows he loves you. Best thing to do is to thank him, buy him a nice, expensive present, and cook him a nice meal.

Contributed by: Zainal
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Clearly Cheating

Once there was a man with a girlfriend named Aminah.

He was cheating on her with a girl named Clearly.

Then Aminah died.

At the funeral the man stood up and sang, ''I can see Clearly now Aminah is gone....''

Contributed by: Syam
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Divorced Barbie

Have you heard about the new Barbie doll?

It's called Divorce Barbie. It comes with all Ken's stuffs.

Contributed by: Syam
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Toy cars And Women's Breasts

What do remote control toycars and women's breasts have in common?

They were both originally intended for children, but it's the men who play with them.

Contributed by: Joanna Quek
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A husband and his wife had a bitter quarrel on the day of their wedding anniversary.

The husband gave his wife a gift - a tombstone, with the inscription: HERE LIES MY WIFE - COLD AS EVER.

Later the furious wife bought a return present - also a tombstone -
in which the inscription read :HERE LIES MY HUSBAND - STIFF AT LAST.

Contributed by: Jennifer Lai
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MARRIAGE AND THE FUTURE:
A woman worries about the future until she gets a husband,
A man never worries about the future until he gets a wife.

MEMORIES:
A woman will always cherish the memory of the man who wanted to marry her.
A man cherishes the memory of the woman who he didn't marry.

UNDERSTANDING WOMEN:
There are two times when a man doesn't understand a woman - before marriage and after marriage.

WHAT A WOMAN WANTS:
Only two things are necessary to keep one's wife happy...
- One is to let her think she is having her own way.
- The other is to let her have it.

LONGEVITY:
Married men live longer than single men, but married men are a lot more willing to die.

MISTAKES:
Any married man should forget his mistakes - no use
two people remembering the same thing.

THE BATTLE:
A woman always has the last word in any argument.
Anything a man says after that is the beginning of a new argument.

Contributed by: Jennifer Lai
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SUCCESS:
A successful man is one who makes more money than his wife can spend.
A successful woman is one who can find such a man.

STYLE:
Men wake up as good-looking as they went to bed.
Women somehow deteriorate during the night.

MONEY MANAGEMENT:
A man is a person who will pay two dollars for a one dollar item he wants.
A woman will pay one dollar for a two dollar item that she doesn't want.

HAPPINESS:
To be happy with a man you must understand him a lot and love him a little.
To be happy with a woman you must love her a lot and not try to understand her at all.

MARRIAGE EXPECTATIONS:
A woman marries a man expecting he will change, but he doesn't.
A man marries a woman expecting that she won't change and she does.

MARRIAGE DECISIONS:
Men marry because they are tired.
Women marry because they are curious.
Both are disappointed.

Contributed by: Mark
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If you make a decision without consulting her, you're a chauvinist pig, you bastard.
If she makes a decision without consulting you, she's a liberated woman.

If you ask her to do something she doesn't enjoy, that's domination.
If she asks you, it's a favor.

If you try to keep yourself in shape, you're vain.
If you don't, you're a slob.

If you buy her flowers, you're after something.
If you don't, you're not thoughtful.

If you're proud of your achievements, you're an egotist.
If you're not, you're not ambitious.

If she has a headache, she's tired.
If you have a headache, you don't love her anymore, and you must be sleeping around.

Contributed by: Mark
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If you work too hard, there is never any time for her.
If you don't work enough, you're a good-for-nothing bum.

If she has a boring repetitive job with low pay, it's exploitation.
If you have a boring repetitive job with low pay, you should get off your ass and find something better.

If you get a promotion ahead of her, it's favoritism.
If she gets a job ahead of you, it's equal opportunity.

If you mention how nice she looks, it's sexual harassment.
If you keep quiet, it's male indifference.

If you cry, you're a wimp.
If you don't, you're insensitive.

Contributed by: Glenn
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Q: What do a woman, a tornado and a hurricane have in common?

A: They all get the house!

Contributed by: Belumni
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There was a perfect man and a perfect woman. They met each other at a perfect party. They dated for two perfect years. They had the perfect wedding and the perfect honeymoon. They had two perfect children.

One day the perfect man and the perfect woman were driving in there perfect car, they saw Santa Claus at the side of the road, being the perfect people they were they picked him up, because they didn't want to make their perfect children (who were at home with their perfect babysitter) mad because it was close to Chritmas.

Well as the perfect man and the perfect woman were driving with Santa Claus, somehow they got into an accident. Two people died and 1 lived.

Who died and who lived?

The perfect woman because the perfect man and Santa Claus aren't real.

Contributed by: Ling
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Q: Why do women choose sex over bowling?

A: Because the balls are lighter and you don't have to change your shoes.

Contributed by: Belumni
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Why haven't women been on the moon yet?

Because it don't need cleaning yet.

Contributed by: Belumni
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A man and his wife are stranded on a desert island. The wife begins to lose interest in her husband and wishes on a star that she would find another man. The next day a man is washed on shore. He is very nice looking and finds immediate interest in the wife. The husband was very pleased that there was another man to help work.

So they started on building a watchtower. The stranger and wife wanted to have mad passionate sex on the beach. So he tried to think of a plan. SO then the stranger offered to watch first from the watchtower. While the husband and wife worked, the stranger yelled, ''Hey! No sex! Get back to work!''

At this, the couple yelled back, ''We're not having sex!''

A little while later the man again yelled out to them. And again the couple denied it. This happened several times during his shift up in the watchtower, and when his turn was over, the husband took over. With that, the stranger made love to the wife on the beach. The husband, watching, exclaimed, ''Wow, it really does look like they're having sex from up here!'''

Contributed by: Coach
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A man's wife asks him to go to the store to buy some cigarettes. He walks down to the store only to find it closed. So he goes into a nearby bar to use the vending machine. At the bar he sees a beautiful woman and starts talking to her. They have a couple of beers and one thing leads to another and they end up in her apartment. After they've had their fun, he realizes its 3 a.m. and says, ''Oh no, its so late, my wife's going to kill me. Have you got any talcum powder?''

She gives him some talcum powder, which he proceeds to rub on his hands and then he goes home.

His wife is waiting for him in the doorway and she is pretty pissed. ''Where the hell have you been?!?!'' she screaches.

''Well, honey, its like this. I went to the store like you asked, but they were closed. So I went to the bar to use the vending machine. I saw this great looking chick there and we had a few drinks and one thing led to another and I ended up in bed with her.''

''Oh yeah? Let me see your hands!''

She sees his hands are covered with powder and says, ''You liar! You went bowling again!''

Contributed by: Sierra
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Joe stopped at his favorite watering hole after a hard day's work to relax. He noticed a man next to him order a shot and a beer. The man drank the shot, chased it with the beer and then looked into his shirt pocket. This continued several times before Joe's curiosity got the best of him.

He leaned over to the guy and said, "Excuse me, I couldn't help but notice your little ritual. Why in the world do you look into your shirt pocket every time you drink your shot and beer?"

The man replied, "There's a picture of my wife in there, and when she starts lookin' good, I'm headin' home!"

Contributed by: Derrick Khoo
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What a Woman Says:

"This place is a mess! C'mon,
You and I need to clean up.
Your stuff is lying on the floor,
and if we don't do laundry right now
you'll have no clothes to wear."

What a Man Hears:

blah, blah, blah, blah, C'MON
blah, blah, blah, YOU AND I
blah, blah, ON THE FLOOR
blah, blah, blah, RIGHT NOW
blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, NO CLOTHES.

Contributed by: Patrick Tan
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MAN

1. Pull up to ATM
2. Insert card
3. Enter PIN number and account
4. Take cash, card and receipt

WOMAN

1. Pull up to ATM
2. Check makeup in rear view mirror
3. Shut off engine
4. Put keys in purse
5. Get out of car because you're too far from machine
6. Hunt for card in purse
7. Insert card
8. Hunt in purse for wrapper with PIN number written on it
9. Enter PIN number
10. Study instructions for at least 2 minutes.
11. Hit "cancel"
12. Re-enter correct PIN number
13. Check balance
14. Look for envelope
15. Look in purse for pen
16. Make out deposit slip
17. Endorse checks
18. Make deposit
19. Study instructions
20. Make cash withdrawal
21. Get in car
22. Check makeup
23. Look for keys
24. Start car
25. Check makeup
26. Start pulling away
27. STOP
28. Back up to machine
29. Get out of car
30. Take card and receipt
31. Get back in car
32. Put card in wallet
33. Put receipt in checkbook
34. Enter deposits and withdrawals in checkbook
35. Clear area in purse for wallet and checkbook
36. Check makeup
37. Put car in gear, reverse
38. Put car in drive
39. Drive away from machine
40. Travel 3 miles
41. Release parking brake

Contributed by: Belumni
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A couple had been married for 45 years and had raised a brood of 11 children and were blessed with 22 grandchildren. When asked the secret for staying together all that time, the wife replies, "Many years ago we made a promise to each other: the first one to pack up and leave has to take all the kids."

Contributed by: Belumni
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Three girl friends have met up for their weekly meal together and are discussing their relationships.

One of them is engaged, one is a mistress and the other is married.

They decide that to try and surprise their men that night
all three will dress up in a leather S&M style bodice, red stilettos and a mask.

The next week they meet up again and compare their experiences.

The engaged girl says, ‘The other night, when my fiance came home, he found me in the leather bodice, the high red stilettos and mask covering my eyes. As soon as he
saw me he grabbed me saying “I love you” and carried me upstairs where we made love all night.’

The mistress says, ‘I went up to my lover’s hotel room where he was waiting for me and knocked on the door. I was wearing the leather bodice, the red stilettos, and the mask, with my fur coat on top. When I entered the room and dropped my coat to the floor, he said “Wow” and we made love all night.

The married girl say ‘Hmmph, I got myself dressed up the same as you two, leather bodice, red stilettos and mask over my eyes and waited for my husband to get home from work.”

“He opened the door, came in and said “Evening Batman, what’s for dinner?”

Contributed by: Belumni
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When I was 14, I wanted a girl with big tits.

When I was 16, I dated a girl with big tits, but there was no passion. So I decided I needed a passionate girl with a zest for life.

In college, I dated a passionate girl, but she was too emotional. Everything was an emergency; she was a drama queen, cried all the time and threatened suicide. So I decided I needed a girl with some stability.

When I was 25, I found a very stable girl, but she was boring. She was totally predictable and never got excited about anything. Life became so dull that I decided I needed a girl with some excitement.

When I was 28, I found an exciting girl, but I couldn't keep up with her. She rushed from one thing to another, never settling on anything. She did mad, impetuous things and flirted with everyone she met. She made me miserable as often as happy. She was great fun initially and very energetic, but directionless. So I decided to find a girl with some ambition.

When I turned 31, I found a smart, ambitious girl with her feet planted firmly on the ground and married her. She was so ambitious that she divorced me and took everything I owned.

Now I am 42, and all I want is a girl with big tits.

Contributed by: Celine
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1. The woman always makes the Rules
2. The Rules are subject to change at any time without prior notification
3. No man can possibly know all the Rules
4. If the woman suspects the man knows the Rules , she must immediately change some or all of the Rules
5. The woman is never wrong
6. If the woman is wrong , it is due to misunderstanding , which was a direct result of something the man did or said
7. The man must apologise immediately for causing said misunderstanding
8. The woman may change her mind at any time
9. The man must never change his mind without the express written consent of the woman
10. The woman has every right to be angry and/or upset at any time
11. The man must remain calm at all times unless the woman wants him to be angry and/or upset
12. The woman must , under no circumstances , let the man know whether or not she wants him to be angry and/or upset
13. The man is expected to mind-read at all times
14. The man who doesn't abide by the Rules can`t take the heat , lacks backbone and is a wimp
15. Any attempt to document the Rules could result in bodily harm
16. If the woman has PMT , all the Rules are null and void
17. The woman is ready when she is ready
18. The man must be ready at all times

Contributed by: Ansing
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Man to wife: What have you been doing with all the household money I've been giving you?

Wife: Turn sideways and look in the mirror.

Contributed by: Angie
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I met a man who had been married for 66 years.

"Amazing. 66 years!" I said. "What's the secret to such a long, happy marriage?"

"Well," he replied, "It's like this. The man makes all the big decisions... and the woman just makes the little decisions."

"Really?" I responded. "Does that really work?"

"Oh, yes," he said proudly. "66 years, and so far, not one big decision!"

Contributed by: Sean Tan
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A shy guy goes into a bar and sees a beautiful woman sitting at the bar. After an hour of gathering up his courage, he finally goes over to her and asks tentatively. “Would you mind if I chatted with you for a while?“

To which she responds by yelling, at the top of her lungs, “No, I won‘t sleep with you tonight!“

Everyone in the bar is now staring at them. Naturally, the guy is hopelessly and completely embarrassed and he slinks back to his table. After a few minutes, the woman walks over to him and apologizes. She smiles at him and says, “I‘m sorry if I embarrassed you. You see, I‘m a journalist and I‘ve got an assignment to study how people respond to embarrassing situations.“

To which he responds, at the top of his lungs, “What do you mean two hundred dollars?!!!“

Contributed by: Brenda Lee
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A man and a woman who have never met before find themselves in
the same sleeping carriage on a train.

After their initial embarrassment, they both go to sleep. The
man takes the top bunk, and the woman takes the lower bunk.

In the middle of the night, the man leans over and wakes the
woman. "I'm sorry to bother you, but I'm awfully cold and I
was wondering if you could possibly get me another blanket?"

The woman leans out and, with a glint in her eye, says, "I
have a better idea... just for tonight... let's pretend that
we're married."

The man replies with excitement, "Okay! Sure!"

"Good," says the woman. "Get your own damn blanket!"

Wedding shoes

On the day of her wedding, Kathy was getting dressed,
surrounded by all her family, and she suddenly realized she
had forgotten to bring her wedding shoes. Panic.

Then, her sister remembered that she had a pair of white shoes
from her wedding before, so she lent them to Kathy for the
day.

Unfortunately, they were a bit too small. By the time the
festivities were over, Kathy's feet were in agony.

When she and bridegroom, Anthony, withdrew to their room, the
only thing she could think of was getting her shoes off.

The rest of the family crowded around the door to the bedroom,
and they heard roughly what they expected -- grunts, straining
noises, and an occasional muffled scream.

Eventually, they heard Anthony say, "Goodness, that was
tight!"

"There," whispered Kathy's mother. "I told you she was a
virgin!"

Then, to their surprise, they heard Anthony say, "Now for the
other one."

This was followed by more grunting and straining, and at last,
Anthony said, "Goodness, that was even tighter!"

"That's my boy," said Anthony's father. "Once a sailor, always
a sailor."