Missing Cock
Contributed by: Brenda Lee
Jokes to share?
*A priest lost his HEN & asked during mass. "Anyone got a cock?"*
*All men stood up.*
*He said again "I mean anyone seen a cock?"*
*All women stood up.*
*He said again " I meant anyone seen my cock?"*
*All nuns stood up.*
Venison
Contributed by: Brenda Lee
Jokes to share?
A family was given some venison(deer meat) by a friend. The wife cooked up the deer steaks, and served it to the husband and children. The husband thought it would be fun to have the children guess what it was that they were eating.
"Is is beef?" The daughter Katie asked.
"Nope."
"Is it pork?" the son Willie asked.
"Nope."
" we don't know, Dad!" Willie exclaimed.
"I'll give you a clue," the Dad said, "It's what your mom sometime call me."
"Spit it out, Willie!" cried Katie, "We're eating as*hole!!"
The Whole Truth
Contributed by: Belumni
Jokes to share?
Mr. Pete asked his wife for advice about his upcoming court case in which he could possibly win $50,000 from the insurance company. "Honey, if I lie, I'll win the case. But then I would have broken an oath sworn on the Holy Bible."
His wife says, "I don't want to advise you to do the wrong thing, but . . ."
"But, what?"
"Let me put it this way," his wife explained. "Treat the prosecuting attorney like I treat you in bed."
Puzzled, Mr. Pete asks, "How so?"
Mrs. Pete replies, "Just lie there 'til he goes away."
Mistaken Identity
Contributed by: Belumni
Jokes to share?
A drunken man walked into a bar and, after staring for some time at the only woman seated at the bar, walked over to her and kissed her. She jumped up and slapped him silly.
He immediately apologized and explained, "I'm sorry. I thought you were my wife. You look exactly like her."
"Why you worthless, insufferable, wretched, no good drunk!" she screamed.
"Funny," he muttered, "you even sound exactly like her."
Heaven Reject
Contributed by: Sue Ann
Jokes to share?
A father was at the beach with his children when the four-year-old son ran up to him, grabbed his hand, and led him to the shore, where a seagull lay dead in the sand.
"Daddy, what happened to him?" the son asked.
"He died and went to Heaven," the dad replied.
The boy thought a moment and then said, "Did Heaven throw him back down?"
Prayers Answered
Contributed by: Nick Soh
Jokes to share?
A lady approaches her priest and tells him, "Father, I have a problem. I have two female talking parrots, but they only know how to say one thing."
"What do they say?" the priest inquired.
"They only know how to say, 'Hi, we're prostitutes. 'Want to have some fun?'"
"That's terrible!" the priest exclaimed, "but I have a solution to your problem. Bring your two female parrots over to my house and I will put them with my two male talking parrots whom I taught to pray and read the bible. My parrots will teach your parrots to stop saying that terrible phrase and your female parrots will learn to praise and worship."
"Thank you!" the woman responded.
The next day the woman brings her female parrots to the priest's house. His two male parrots are holding rosary beads and praying in their cage. The lady puts her two female parrots in with the male parrots and the female parrots say,"Hi, we're prostitutes, want to have some fun?"
One male parrot looks over at the other male parrot and exclaims, "Put the beads away. Our prayers have been answered!"
Cup Holder
Contributed by: Celine Tan
Jokes to share?
Caller: "Hello, is this Tech Support?"
Tech: "Yes, it is. How may I help you?"
Caller: "The cup holder on my PC is broken and I am within my warranty period.
How do I go about getting that fixed?"
Tech: "I'm sorry, but did you say a cup holder?"
Caller: "Yes, it's attached to the front of my computer."
Tech: "Please excuse me if I seem a bit stumped, It's because I am. Did you receive this as part of a promotional, at a trade show? How did you get this cup holder? Does it have any trademark on it?"
Caller: "It came with my computer, I don't know anything about a promotional. It just has '4X' on it."
At this point the Tech Rep had to mute the caller, because he couldn't stand it. The caller had been using the load drawer of the CD-ROM drive as a cup holder, and snapped it off the drive!"
Leaving Early
Contributed by: jokesandhumour
Jokes to share?
There were these three guys, a Polish guy, an Italian guy, and a Jewish guy. They all worked together at a factory. Everyday they noticed that their boss leaves work a little early. So one day they meet together and say that today when the boss leaves, they'll all leave early too.
The boss leaves and so did they. The Jewish guy goes home and goes to rest so he can get an early start the next morning. The Italian guy goes home and cooks dinner. The Polish guy goes home and walks to his bedroom. He opens the door slowly and sees his wife in bed with his boss, so he shuts the door and leaves.
The next day the Italian and Jewish guys are talking about going home early again. They ask the Polish guy if he wants to leave early again and he says, "No." They ask him why not and he says, "Because yesterday I almost got caught!"
Stiff Neck
Contributed by: jokesandhumour
Jokes to share?
A man was walking down the street when he noticed his grandpa sitting on the porch, in the rocking chair, with nothing on from the waist down. "Grandpa, what are you doing?" he exclaimed.
The old man looked off in the distance and did not answer him. "Grandpa, what are you doing sitting out here with nothing on below the waist?" he asked again.
The old man slyly looked at him and said, "Well, last week I sat out here with no shirt on, and I got a stiff neck. This was your Grandma's idea!"
Tongue Twister
Contributed by: jokesandhumour
Jokes to share?
See if you can do this:
Read each line aloud:
This is this cat
This is is cat
This is how cat
This is to cat
This is keep cat
This is a cat
This is dumbass cat
This is busy cat
This is for cat
This is forty cat
This is seconds cat
Now go back and read the THIRD word in each line from the top... I bet you can't resist passing it on!
Workaholic
Contributed by: jokesandhumour
Jokes to share?
In a long line of people waiting for a bank teller, one guy suddenly started massaging the back of the person in front of him. Surprised, the man in front turned and snarled, "Just what the hell you are doing?"
"Well," said the guy, "you see, I'm a chiropractor and I could see that you were tense, so I had to massage your back. Sometimes I just can't help practicing my art!"
"That's the stupidest thing I've ever heard!" the guy replied. "Im a lawyer. Do you see me screwing the guy in front of me?"
Workaholic
Contributed by: jokesandhumour
Jokes to share?
In a long line of people waiting for a bank teller, one guy suddenly started massaging the back of the person in front of him. Surprised, the man in front turned and snarled, "Just what the hell you are doing?"
"Well," said the guy, "you see, I'm a chiropractor and I could see that you were tense, so I had to massage your back. Sometimes I just can't help practicing my art!"
"That's the stupidest thing I've ever heard!" the guy replied. "Im a lawyer. Do you see me screwing the guy in front of me?"
Amazon Explorer
Contributed by: jokesandhumour
Jokes to share?
An explorer in the deepest Amazon suddenly finds himself surrounded by a bloodthirsty group of natives. Upon surveying the situation, he says quietly to himself "Oh God, I'm screwed!!!!!."
There is a ray of light from heaven and a voice booms out: "No, you are NOT screwed. Pick up that stone at your feet and bash in the head of the chief standing in front of you."
So the explorer picks up the stone and proceeds to bash the living heck out of the chief.
As he stands above the lifeless body, breathing heavily and surrounded by 100 natives with a look of shock on their faces, Gods voice booms out again: "Okay ..... NOW you're screwed."
Superman Prank
Contributed by: jokesandhumour
Jokes to share?
Two men are sitting drinking at a bar at the top of the Empire State Building when the first man turns to the other and says, "You know, last week I discovered that if you jump from the top of this building, by the time you fall to the 10th floor, the winds around the building are so
intense that they carry you around the building and back into the window."
The bartender just shakes his head in disapproval while wiping the bar.
The second guy says, "What are you a nut? There is no way in hell that could happen."
"No, it's true," said the first man, let me prove it to you." He gets up from the bar, jumps over the balcony, and plummets to the street below. When he passes the 10th floor, the high wind whips him around the building and back into the 10th floor window and he takes the elevator back up to the bar.
He met the second man, who looked quite astonished. "You know, I saw that with my own eyes, but that must have been a one time fluke."
"No, I'll prove it again," says the first man as he jumps. Again just as he is hurling toward the street, the 10th floor wind gently carries him around the building and into the window.
Once upstairs he urges his fellow drinker to try it. "Well, what the hell," the second guy says, "it works, I'll try it!" He jumps over the balcony plunges downward, passes the 11th, 10th, 9th, 8th floors ...and hits the sidewalk with a 'splat.'
Back upstairs the Bartender turns to the other drinker, saying "You know, Superman, you're a real asshole when you're drunk."
No Cure
Contributed by: Glenn
Jokes to share?
A woman accompanied her husband to the doctor's office. After his checkup, the doctor called the wife into his office alone. He said, "Your husband is suffering from a very severe disease, combined with horrible stress. If you don't do the following, your husband will surely die."
"Each morning, fix him a healthy breakfast. Be pleasant, and make sure he is in a good mood. For lunch make him a nutritious meal. For dinner prepare an especially nice meal for him. Don't burden him with chores, as he probably had a hard day. Don't discuss your problems with him, it will only make his stress worse. And most importantly...make love with your husband several times a week and satisfy his every whim. If you can do this for the next 10 months to a year, I think your husband will regain his health completely."
On the way home, the husband asked his wife, "What did the doctor say?"
"You're going to die," she replied.
Screw Him
Contributed by: Glenn
Jokes to share?
After the annual office Christmas party blow-out, Jonathan woke up with a pounding headache, cotton-mouthed, and utterly unable to recall the events of the preceding evening.
After a trip to the bathroom he was able to make his way downstairs, where his wife put some coffee in front of him.
"Joanna," he moaned, "tell me what went on last night. Was it as bad as I think?"
"Even worse," she assured him in her most scornful one. "You made a complete ass of yourself, succeeded in antagonizing the entire board of directors, and insulted the chairman of the company to his face."
"He's an arrogant, self-important prick, piss on him!"
"You did. All over his suit, " Joanna informed him. "And he fired you."
"Well, screw him," said Jonathan.
"I did. You're back at work on Monday."
Open Fly
Contributed by: Glenn
Jokes to share?
Mr. Robinson got himself a new secretary. She was young, sweet, and very polite.
One day while taking dictation, she noticed his fly was open. When leaving the room, she said, "Mr. Robinson, your barracks door is open."
He did not understand her remark, but later on he happened to look down and saw that his zipper was open. He decided to have some fun with his secretary. Calling her in, he asked, "By the way Miss Jones, when you saw my barracks door was open this morning, did you also notice a soldier standing at attention?"
The secretary, who was quite witty replied, "Why no sir, all I saw was a little disabled veteran sitting on two duffel bags."
Owe Money Pay Money
Contributed by: Glenn
Jokes to share?
A guy goes over to his friend's house, rings the bell, and the wife answers.
"Hi, is Steve home?"
"No, he went to the store."
"Well, you mind if I wait?"
"No, come in."
They sit down and the friend says "You know Sarah, you have the greatest breasts I have ever seen. I'd give you a hundred bucks if I could just see one."
Sarah thinks about this for a second and figures what the hell - a hundred bucks. She opens her robe and shows one. He promptly thanks her and throws a hundred bucks on the table.
They sit there a while longer and Matt says "They are so beautiful I've got to see the both of them. I'll give you another hundred bucks if I could just see the both of them together."
Sarah thinks about this and thinks what the hell, opens her robe, and gives Matt a nice long look. Matt thanks her, throws another hundred bucks on the table, and then says he can't wait any longer and leaves.
A while later Steve arrives home and his wife says "You know, your weird friend Matt came over."
Steve thinks about this for a second and says "Well did he drop off the 200 bucks he owes me?"
Faster than a car
Contributed by: Joshua Lam
Jokes to share?
The old man looks over the sleek, shiny surface of the car and asks "What kind of car ya got there, sonny?".
The dude replies "A 2009 Turbo B.Engine They cost $5,000,000."
"That's a lotta money!" says the old man, shocked. "Why does it cost so much?"
"Cause this car can do up to 320km an hour!" states the cool dude proudly.
The old man asks "Can I take a look inside?"
"Sure" replies the owner.
So the old man pokes his head in the window and looks around. Leaning back on his scooter, the old man says "That's a pretty nice car, alright!"
Just then the light changes, so the guy decides to show the old man what his car can do. He floors it, and within 30 seconds the speedometer reads 320. Suddenly, the guy notices a dot in his rear view mirror. It seems to be getting closer!
Whhhoooooooooossssshhhhhh! Something whips by him! Going maybe three times as fast!
The guy wonders "what on earth could be going faster than my Turbo BeepBeeP?" Then, ahead of him, he sees a dot coming toward him.
Whooooooooooosh! Goes by again! And, it almost looked like the old man on the scooter! 'Couldn't be', thinks the guy. How could a scooter outrun my turbo? Again, he sees a dot in his rearview mirror!
WhoooooooshhhhhhhhKa-BbbbblaMMMMM! It plows into the back of his car, demolishing the rear end.
The guy jumps out and discovers it is the old man! Of course, the scooter and the old man are hurting for certain. The guy runs up to the dying old man and asks "You're hurt bad! Is there anything I can do for you?"
The old man replies "Yeah. Unhook my suspenders from the side-view mirror on your car!"
Three Children
Contributed by: Jordan Chua
Jokes to share?
A couple had three children.
Two of them were bright, smart, and handsome
but the third child was dull, ugly, and backward.
One day the hubby got suspicious and asked :
" Tell me the truth, dear. Is this third child really mine ? "
" Yes, dear, " replied the wife, " ...... but the other two are not. "
Why We Love Children 5
Why We Love Children 5
Why We Love Children 4 - Feb 16, 2009
Why We Love Children 3
Why We Love Children 2
Why We Love Children 1
Plain Lazy
Contributed by: Ang Chia Lee
Jokes to share?
A man told his doctor that he wasn't able to do all the things
around the house that he used to do.
When the examination was complete, he said,
" Now, Doc, I can take it.
Tell me in plain English ---- what is wrong with me ? "
" Well, in plain English ", the doctor replied, " you're just lazy. "
" Okay, " said the man.
" Now give me the really complicated medical term
so that I can tell my wife. "
1 million ducks
Contributed by: Mike
Jokes to share?
A man walks into a bar with a paper bag. He sits down and places the bag
on the counter.
The bartender walks up and asks what's in the bag. The man reaches into
the bag and pulls out a little man, about one foot high, and sets him on
the counter. He reaches back into the bag and pulls out a small piano,
setting it on the counter as well. He reaches into the bag once again and
pulls out a tiny piano bench, which he places in front of the piano. The
little man sits down at the piano and starts playing a beautiful piece by
Mozart!
Where on earth did you get that?" says the bartender. The man responds by
reaching into the paper bag.
This time he pulls out a lamp. He hands it to the bartender and
says..."Here. Rub it."
So the bartender rubs the lamp, and suddenly there's a gust of smoke and a
beautiful genie is standing before him. "I will grant you one wish. Just
one wish...each person is allowed only one!" The bartender gets really
excited. Without hesitating he says, "I want a million bucks!"
A few moments later, a duck walks into the bar. It is soon followed by
another duck, then another. Pretty soon, the entire bar is filled with
ducks and they keep coming!
The bartender turns to the man and says, "Y'know, I think your genie's a
little deaf...I asked for a million bucks, not a million ducks."
"Tell me about it!!" says the man...
"Do you really think I asked for a 12 inch PIANIST?"
Order In Court
Contributed by: Mark
Jokes to share?
A drunkard was brought to court. Just before the trial there was a commotion in the gallery.
The judge pounded the gravel on his table and shouted, 'Order, order.'
The drunkard immediately responded, 'Thank you, your honor, I'll have a scotch and soda.'
What I've Dun In Texas!
Contributed by: JR
Jokes to share?
A cowboy rode into town and stopped at the saloon for a drink. Unfortunately, the locals always had a habit of picking on newcomers. When he finished, he found his horse had been stolen.
He comes back into the bar, handily flips his gun into the air, catches it above his head without even looking and fires a shot into the ceiling. "Who stole my horse?" he yelled with surprising forcefulness.
No one answered.
"I'm gonna have another beer and if my horse ain't back outside by the time I'm finished, I'm gonna do what I dun back in Texas and I don't want to have to do what I dun back in Texas!"
Some of the locals shifted restlessly.
He had another beer, walked outside, and his horse was back! He saddled up and started to ride out of town.
The bartender wandered out of the bar and asked, "Say partner, what happened in Texas?"
The cowboy turned back and said, "I had to walk home!"
2 Different Horses
Contributed by: Brenda Lee
Jokes to share?
Elaine bought two horses, and could never remember which was which.
A neighbor suggested that she cut the tail of one horse and that worked great until the other horse got his tail caught in a bush.
It tore just right and looked exactly like the other horse's tail and our elaine was stuck again.
The neighbor suggested she notch the ear of one horse.
That worked fine until the other horse caught his ear on a barbed wire fence.
Once again elaine couldn’t tell them apart.
The neighbor suggested she measure the horses for height.
When she did, she was very pleased to find that the white horse was 2 inches taller than the black one.
It's dark in here
Contributed by: Lynn Tan
Jokes to share?
A woman takes a lover home during the day while her husband is at work.
Her 9 year old son comes home unexpectedly, sees them and hides in the
bedroom closet to watch. The woman's husband also comes home. She puts
her Lover in the closet, not realizing that the little boy is in there
already. The little boy says, "Dark in here." The man says, "Yes, it
is." Boy - "I have a baseball." Man - "That's nice." Boy - "Want to buy
it?" Man - "No, thanks." Boy - "My dad's outside." Man - "OK, how much?"
Boy - "$250"
In the next few weeks, it happens again that the boy and the lover are in
the closet together. Boy - "Dark in here." Man - "Yes, it is." Boy - "I
have a baseball glove." The lover, remembering the last time, asks the boy,
"How much?" Boy - "$750" Man - "Sold."
A few days later, the father says to the boy, "Grab your glove, let's go
outside and have a game of catch. The boy says, "I can't, I sold my
baseball and my glove." The father asks, "How much did you sell them for?"
Boy -"$1,000" The father says, "That's terrible to overcharge your friends
like that. That is way more than those two things cost. I'm going to take
you to church and make you confess." They go to the church and the father
makes the little boy sit in the confession booth and he closes the door.
The boy says, "Dark in here." The priest says, "Don't start that ****
again, you're in my closet now."
Why Did You Eat Him?
Contributed by: Jason Wong
Jokes to share?
A three-year-old walked up to a pregnant lady while waiting with his mother in the doctors office. He inquisitively asked the lady, "Why is your stomach so big?"
She replied, "I’m having a baby."
With big eyes, he asked, "Is the baby in your stomach?"
She answered, "He sure is."
Then the little boy, with a puzzled look, asked, "Is it a good baby?"
She said, "Oh, yes. It’s a real good baby."
With an even more surprised and shocked look, he asked, "Then why did you eat him?"
Homeland Security
Contributed by: Jason Wong
Jokes to share?
An old arab lives 40 years in New York. He would love to plant potatoes in his garden, but he is lonely and old and weak. His son studies in Paris. He writes an email to his son about his problem.
‘Dear Ahmed, I’m very sad because I can’t plant potatoes in my garden. I’m sure if you would be here, you could help me to dig my garden.
I love you. Your father’
The day after the old man gets an email.
‘Dear father, please don’t touch the garden. I’ve hidden ‘the thing’ there. I love you too. Ahmed’
4 o’clock in the morning the US Army, the Marines, the FBI, the CIA and the RANGERS come to the house of the old man. They search everywhere, take apart the hole garden, dig every milimeter, but don’t find anything. Disappointed they leave.
The day after the old man again gets an email from his son.
I hope your garden is digged by now and you can plant your potatoes. That’s all I could do for you. I love you. Ahmed’
MONKEY IN THE PLANE
Contributed by: Lervia
Jokes to share?
There was once a plane crashed, only a monkey who was traveling in the plane was left alive.
Fortunately the monkey was intelligent enough to understand our language and reply in actions.
The officials went to see the monkey in the hospital and had a talk with the monkey.
Officer: 'When the plane took off what were the travelers doing?'
Monkey: 'Tying their belts'
Officer: 'What were the air hostesses doing?'
Monkey: 'Saying Hello! Good morning!'
Officer: 'What were the pilots doing?'
Monkey: 'Checking the system'
Officer: 'What were you doing?'
Monkey: 'Looking for my people'
Officer: 'After 10' minutes what were the travelers doing?'
Monkey: 'Having beverages and snacks'
Officer: 'What were the air hostesses doing?'
Monkey: 'Serving the travelers'
Officer: 'What were the Pilots doing?'
Monkey: 'Handling the steering'
Officer: 'What were you doing?'
Monkey: 'Eating & throwing'
Officer: 'After 30 minutes what were the travelers doing?'
Monkey: 'Some were sleeping and some were reading'
Officer: 'What were the air hostesses doing?'
Monkey: 'Make up'
Officer: 'What were the pilots doing?'
Monkey: 'Handling the steering'
Officer: 'What were you doing?'
Monkey: 'Nothing'
Officer: 'Just before plane crash what were the travelers doing?'
Monkey: 'All were sleeping'
Officer: 'What were the pilots doing?'
Monkey: 'Handling the air hostess'
Officer: What were you doing?
Monkey: Handling the steering!!!! !
No more Questions!!! !!!!!!!!! !!!!!!!!
The Human Mind
Contributed by: Fan Fan
Jokes to share?
Olny fftiy-fvie poelpe out of one hdunered can raed tihs, can you??
I cdnuolt blveiee taht I cluod aulaclty uesdnatnrd waht I was rdanieg. The phaonmneal pweor of the hmuan mnid, aoccdrnig to a rscheearch at Cmabrigde Uinervtisy, is so srotng taht it dseno't mtaetr in waht oerdr the ltteres in a wrod are, the olny iproamtnt tihng is taht the frsit and lsat ltteer be in the rghit pclae.
The rset can be a taotl mses and you can
sitll raed it whotuit a pboerlm. Tihs is bcuseae the huamn mnid deos not raed ervey lteter by istlef, but the wrod as a wlohe. Azanmig huh? yaeh and I awlyas tghuhot slpeling was ipmorantt!
fi yuo cna raed tihs, palce it in yuor porfiel.
it cool but i found it easy
Suspicious Shoe
Jokes to share?
One evening after work, a man drove his secretary home after she had a little too much to drink at a party. Although nothing happened, he decided not to mention it to his wife. Later that night, the man and his wife were driving to a movie when he spotted a high-heeled shoe hidden under the passenger seat. Pointing to something out the passenger window to distract his wife, he picked up the shoe and tossed it out of his window.
They arrived at the theater a short time later and were about to get out of the car when his wife asked, "Honey, have you seen my other shoe?"
0 - 100 in 6 seconds
Contributed by: Haze Ong
Jokes to share?
Bob was in trouble. He forgot his wedding anniversary. His wife was
really pissed.
She told him "Tomorrow morning, I expect to find a gift in the
driveway that goes from 0 to 100 in 6 seconds AND IT BETTER BE THERE !!"
The next morning he got up early and left for work. When his wife woke
up, she looked out the window and sure enough there was a box
gift-wrapped in the middle of the driveway.
Confused, the wife put on her robe and ran out to the driveway, brought
the box back in the house.
She opened it and found a brand new bathroom scale.
Bob has been missing since Friday.
Family Problems
Jokes to share?
Two men met at a bus stop and struck up a
conversation. One of them kept complaining of family problems.
Finally, the other man said: "You think you have
family problems? Listen to my situation."
"A few years ago I met a young widow with a grown-up
daughter. We got married and got myself a
stepdaughter. Later, my father married my
stepdaughter. That made my stepdaughter, my
step-mother. And my father became my stepson. Also,
my wife became mother-in-law of her father-in-law."
"Much later the daughter of my wife, my stepmother,
had a son. This boy was my half-brother because he
was my father's son. But he was also the son of my
wife's daughter which made him my wife's grand-son.
That made me the grand-father of my half-brother."
"This was nothing until my wife and I had a son. Now
the half-sister of my son, my stepmother, is also
the Grandmother. This makes my father, the
brother-in-law of my child, whose stepsister is my
father's wife, I am my stepmother's brother-in-law,
my wife is her own child's aunt, my son is my
father's nephew & I am my OWN GRANDFATHER!" "
And you think you have FAMILY PROBLEMS!!!
Dam Fish
Jokes to share?
There was a boy standing on a corner selling fish. He was saying, "Dam fish for sale, dam fish for sale." A preacher walked up and asked why he was calling them dam fish. The kid said, "I caught them at the dam, so they're dam fish."
The preacher bought some, took them home and asked his wife to cook the dam fish. His wife looked at him in bewilderment and said, "Preachers aren't supposed to talk like that." The preacher explained why they were dam fish, and she agreed to cook them.
When dinner was ready and everyone was sitting down, the preacher asked his son to pass him the dam fish. His son replied, "That's the spirit dad. Can you pass me the damn potatoes!"
The Smart CEO
Contributed by: Rebecca Koh
Jokes to share?
A company, feeling it was time for a shake-up, hires a new CEO. This new boss is determined to rid the company of all slackers. On a tour of the facilities, the CEO notices a guy leaning on a wall. The room is full of workers and he wants to let them know he means business!
The CEO walks up to the guy and asks, "And how much money do you make a week?"
A little surprised, the young fellow looks at him and replies, "I make $300.00 a week. Why?"
The CEO then hands the guy $1,200 in cash and screams, "Here's four weeks pay, now GET OUT and don't come back!"
Feeling pretty good about his first firing, the CEO looks around the room and asks, "Does anyone want to tell me what that goof-off did here?"
With a sheepish grin, one of the other workers mutters, "Just some guy delivering the Chinese food we ordered."
Barber & Theif
Contributed by: Rebecca Koh
Jokes to share?
A guy sticks his head in the barber shop and asks, "How long before I can get a haircut?"The barber looks around the shop and says, "About two hours." The guy leaves.
A few days later, the same guy sticks his head in the door and asks, "How long before I get a haircut?" The barber looks around the shop full of customers and says, "About two hours." The guy leaves. A week later, the same guy sticks his head in the shop and asks, "How long before I can get a haircut?"
The barber looks around the shop an says, "About an hour and half." The guy leaves. The barber looks over at a friend in the shop and says, "Hey Bill, follow that guy and see where he goes." In a little while, Bill comes back into the shop laughing hysterically. The barber asks, "Bill, where did he go when he left here?" Bill looked up and said, "To your house."
Char Siew Bao & Maggie Mee
Jokes to share?
One day, cha siew pau and maggi mee had a big fight. Maggi mee beat cha
siew pau up until it had bruises on its pau body.
Cha Siew Pau loose the fight and went back to tell all the pau family;-
Kaya pau, tau sa pau, curry pau, and etc.
So together, all the paus went to find maggi mee for revenge.
On the way... they met Spaghetti.. so all of the pau ran to Spaghetti
and BEAT the hell up on Spaghetti that Spaghetti cant say a word,
Spaghetti then scream... 'what did I do? I don't even noe you all'..
Then the cha siew pau say..
'HEH! MAGGI MEE! Don't think I can't recognize you after you do REBONDING!!'
Mistaken Drunk
Contributed by: jokesandhumour
Jokes to share?
A drunk phoned police to report that thieves had been in his car.
"They've stolen the dashboard, the steering wheel, the brake pedal, even the accelerator," he cried out.
However, before the police investigation could start, the phone rang a second time and the same voice came over the line.
"Never mind," he said with a hiccup, "I got in the back seat by mistake."
Mr Strange
Contributed by: jokesandhumour
Jokes to share?
A lawyer named Strange died, and his friend asked the tombstone maker to inscribe on his tombstone, "Here lies Strange, an honest man, and a lawyer."
The inscriber insisted that such an inscription would be confusing, for passersby would tend to think that three men were buried under the stone.
However he suggested an alternative: He would inscribe, "Here lies a man who was both honest and a lawyer." That way, whenever anyone walked by the tombstone and read it, they would be certain to remark:
"That's Strange!"
The Masterpiece
Contributed by: jokesandhumour
Jokes to share?
Some time ago, there was this artist, who worked from a studio in his home. He specialized in nudes, and had been working on what he thought would be a masterpiece for several months now.
As usual, his model reported, and after exchanging the usual greetings and small talk, she began to undress for the day's work.
He told her not to bother, that he felt pretty bad with a cold he had been fighting. He added that he would pay her for the day, but that she could just go home; he just wanted some hot tea and then, off to bed.
The model said "Oh, please, let me fix it for you. It's the least I can do."
He agreed and told her to fix herself a cup too. They were sitting in the living room just exchanging small talk and enjoying their tea, when he heard the front door open and
close, then some familiar footsteps. "Oh my God !!!" he whispered loudly, "It's my wife ! Quick !!! Take all your clothes off."





